UCSD Musicology

UCSD TO OFFER B.S. IN MUSICOLOGY

The University of Southern California Regents has recently granted the founding of a new musicology program within the science department at UCSD. On Feb. 13th, the largest aggregation of scientists, musicians, and musician scientists ever recorded tucked into a tiny foyer to wait in line for a commencement ceremony at the prestigious UCSD Faculty Club. The well organized ceremony, more resembling a Science-Palooza, featuring charts and graphs pertaining to the enjoy-ability levels, creativity, and style differentials of each artist that was to perform, was headed-up by renowned Norwegian seismologist Fluchterr Nujwik. Nujwik gave a sold-out commencement lecture on the goals and plans of the new department for the upcoming decade. The announcement of this new program originally sent shockwaves through the global scientific and musical communities, an impromptu secret meeting was held at some point earlier this week involving the various heads and chairmen of the new department. Despite the fact no recordings or outside guests were permitted into the meeting, Nujwik granted his exclusive insider account of the scientific cacophony that ensued. “Effry vuhn vus eggs I did,” said Nujwik, “zay add nevva velt so opeful for mewseek veesuch.” Though he would not provide details other than that everyone was ‘excited’, he assured our correspondence that what they have in store for the musical community is so scientific that it should not even be discussed in public without a special permit.

Nujwik’s research, largely responsible for the impetus behind the program, consisted of probing the different methods of creating music and the mental processes pertaining to the enjoyment thereof. His notoriety was accomplished by his previous lab at Los Alamos, which was able to engineer rats that stare blankly at their cage wall, “sniff around,” and eat upon stimulus of music. A rival European lab has claimed that this was natural behavior of the rats in the absence of music as well, but Nujwik’s lab asserts that there is far more “sniffing around”. Video verification of this has yet to surface. Turning to a less biological exploit, Nujwik has begun to explore the technical synthesis of music. Last year they were responsible for creating a computer model of a songwriter which has already output three ‘calculated best-selling singles in U.S.’ including “Single Ladies” and “I’m Yours.” The lab has been involved in lawsuits against Beyonce and Mraz since December. There were even reports of the lab’s early work on Digital Un-manned Mechatronic Band Music, or DUMB music as it is known in the field, was behind Nickelback’s last two albums. The band admits to being a front, allowing for the lab to exhibit their artificial music generator publicly, and thus no lawsuits will be taken up. Nujwik and the new multi-million dollar lab intend to make history of his past experiments and drive the frontiers of music and science beyond current imagination. As for Mraz and Beyonce, Nujwik’s lawyer said, “Good luck keeping up with a supercomputer that doesn’t need to eat, can sing like a man, and isn’t black.” He was unavailable for follow up.

The lab, in sequence with UCSD’s super computer has constructed the world’s first soundome database, a collection of every sound found to exist. “With the processing ability of the supercomputer, the DUMB music generator could create a millennia worth of hit songs for the common people,” or so hopes the Super Computer’s lead technician, Jean Wallus. “There’s just one problem the soundome database does not currently contain enough sounds for Nujwik to warrant opening it to the scientific community,” according to Wallus. While graduate students armed with boom-microphones scour the country, Nujwik continues his work as he always has, with armed guards in the heart of the super-computer complex. Communicating through direct lines to artists like Xiu Xiu, Bono, and Bjork, he is gradually compiling his collection of all sounds. Once completed, the super-computer program may indeed become the largest economy of the world, as it has already been cited as the source of 72% of the “songs” found on the iTunes Music Store. However, if activated prematurely the incomplete database could result in a Y2K-9/11-like catastrophe that will likely be known as “Y211K9” says Starbucks manager Kyle Nguyen. “We can’t let Y211K9 happen, double tall macchiato, it wouldn’t be fair to our kids,” Kyle added. But it seems such a multinumbered-multilettered-complex-double-word would never happen while the program is in the able hands of Nujwik. “No,” said Nujwik, in response to our request to take a look at his database prematurely. His English-Norwegian liaison added that our not being allowed “behind those hallowed science walls, and sound resounding halls” was for our safety only. He then proceeded to break into song and choreographed dance leaving the door unguarded. Upon entry the correspondence was shot. These notes thereof have been returned by the courtesy of Dr. Nujwik who stresses that his work should be left unexplored. The body of reporter James Matheny has yet to be located. If you know anything regarding his whereabouts, you are Professor Nujwik.

Michael Minto
08/02/10

Hits completed Dave.