UCSD Musicology

UCSD TO OFFER B.S. IN MUSICOLOGY

The University of Southern California Regents has recently granted the founding of a new musicology program within the science department at UCSD. On Feb. 13th, the largest aggregation of scientists, musicians, and musician scientists ever recorded tucked into a tiny foyer to wait in line for a commencement ceremony at the prestigious UCSD Faculty Club. The well organized ceremony, more resembling a Science-Palooza, featuring charts and graphs pertaining to the enjoy-ability levels, creativity, and style differentials of each artist that was to perform, was headed-up by renowned Norwegian seismologist Fluchterr Nujwik. Nujwik gave a sold-out commencement lecture on the goals and plans of the new department for the upcoming decade. The announcement of this new program originally sent shockwaves through the global scientific and musical communities, an impromptu secret meeting was held at some point earlier this week involving the various heads and chairmen of the new department. Despite the fact no recordings or outside guests were permitted into the meeting, Nujwik granted his exclusive insider account of the scientific cacophony that ensued. “Effry vuhn vus eggs I did,” said Nujwik, “zay add nevva velt so opeful for mewseek veesuch.” Though he would not provide details other than that everyone was ‘excited’, he assured our correspondence that what they have in store for the musical community is so scientific that it should not even be discussed in public without a special permit.

Nujwik’s research, largely responsible for the impetus behind the program, consisted of probing the different methods of creating music and the mental processes pertaining to the enjoyment thereof. His notoriety was accomplished by his previous lab at Los Alamos, which was able to engineer rats that stare blankly at their cage wall, “sniff around,” and eat upon stimulus of music. A rival European lab has claimed that this was natural behavior of the rats in the absence of music as well, but Nujwik’s lab asserts that there is far more “sniffing around”. Video verification of this has yet to surface. Turning to a less biological exploit, Nujwik has begun to explore the technical synthesis of music. Last year they were responsible for creating a computer model of a songwriter which has already output three ‘calculated best-selling singles in U.S.’ including “Single Ladies” and “I’m Yours.” The lab has been involved in lawsuits against Beyonce and Mraz since December. There were even reports of the lab’s early work on Digital Un-manned Mechatronic Band Music, or DUMB music as it is known in the field, was behind Nickelback’s last two albums. The band admits to being a front, allowing for the lab to exhibit their artificial music generator publicly, and thus no lawsuits will be taken up. Nujwik and the new multi-million dollar lab intend to make history of his past experiments and drive the frontiers of music and science beyond current imagination. As for Mraz and Beyonce, Nujwik’s lawyer said, “Good luck keeping up with a supercomputer that doesn’t need to eat, can sing like a man, and isn’t black.” He was unavailable for follow up.

The lab, in sequence with UCSD’s super computer has constructed the world’s first soundome database, a collection of every sound found to exist. “With the processing ability of the supercomputer, the DUMB music generator could create a millennia worth of hit songs for the common people,” or so hopes the Super Computer’s lead technician, Jean Wallus. “There’s just one problem the soundome database does not currently contain enough sounds for Nujwik to warrant opening it to the scientific community,” according to Wallus. While graduate students armed with boom-microphones scour the country, Nujwik continues his work as he always has, with armed guards in the heart of the super-computer complex. Communicating through direct lines to artists like Xiu Xiu, Bono, and Bjork, he is gradually compiling his collection of all sounds. Once completed, the super-computer program may indeed become the largest economy of the world, as it has already been cited as the source of 72% of the “songs” found on the iTunes Music Store. However, if activated prematurely the incomplete database could result in a Y2K-9/11-like catastrophe that will likely be known as “Y211K9” says Starbucks manager Kyle Nguyen. “We can’t let Y211K9 happen, double tall macchiato, it wouldn’t be fair to our kids,” Kyle added. But it seems such a multinumbered-multilettered-complex-double-word would never happen while the program is in the able hands of Nujwik. “No,” said Nujwik, in response to our request to take a look at his database prematurely. His English-Norwegian liaison added that our not being allowed “behind those hallowed science walls, and sound resounding halls” was for our safety only. He then proceeded to break into song and choreographed dance leaving the door unguarded. Upon entry the correspondence was shot. These notes thereof have been returned by the courtesy of Dr. Nujwik who stresses that his work should be left unexplored. The body of reporter James Matheny has yet to be located. If you know anything regarding his whereabouts, you are Professor Nujwik.

Michael Minto
08/02/10

Hits completed Dave.

Hot Chicks That Smoke. Turnoff defiance.

Hot chicks that smoke, are less hot, BUT are still hot. Bitches. They KNOW they're hot, and yet they choose to slightly reduce their hotness by smoking in public. The reason for this is clear, and it has nothing to do with the addictive nature of cigarettes in general.

There are two ways to approach this. The negative psychological motive and the positive. I have a definitive opinion on which I believe to be more of a factor, but I shall attempt to withhold my biases (pronounced "By-uh-seas").

The negative psychological approach stems from the fact that pretty girls have a small part of themselves that hates that they are pretty. They manifest this in any number of self-destructive habits, namely sleeping with douche bags, dating douche bags, and watching Gilmore Girls. The desire to hurt themselves and their pretty bodies partly influences their social light up sessions.

The Positive psychological approach leads us to look at the females motivation through the lens of evolutionary psychology. They know they're hot, they want to publicize this fact. They do that simply by standing around, wearing their goddamn shirts and their bras, and hold up their bodies on those luscious legs, the list goes on but believe me, they have no trouble publicizing that. They also know that smoking is usually a major turn off. Not necessarily at face value but when you go in for the kiss. Anyone who has fared the drunken seas of college chick-dom knows this.

They choose to smoke in front of the world for precisely ONE reason. To show you how hot they are. As a guy you look at this curvaceous matriarch of a woman and say to yourself "hmmm my being seems to think that that female is extremely attractive" which manifests for some of us as "FUCK!". Then, they pull out the cigarette. You pause in your thoughts and finally conclude, "Dammit, she's still fucking HOT!"

You see, they smoke to show that they have such an abundance of hotness, that they can burn some away in a flash of flames, a sort of miniature vietnam of the face, and still be left with a surplus of hotness. Its like a rich man lighting his cigar with a Benjamin (for those of you born after 1995 that's a $100 bill that was somewhat common before the economy tanked).

Hot chicks perform this act of "turnoff-defiance" regularly. They can do so by not shaving their legs and remaining hot. Wearing sweat pants and being hot. Voting and being hot. I've even seen a chick reading, and she was still hot as shit.

So next time you see a hot chick doing something so clearly unattractive as hacking up a good loogy, just ask yourself, "Would you kiss her if you could?" If the answer is "Yes" then she's probably hot as shit... probably.

Stimulants as Stimuli: Caffeine

So apparently the late 1990's are far from over. And NO I don't mean JT is rejoining his N*Sync brethren, and NO Bobby's World is not running again, nor is ALF. But the drug habits of California's youth are stronger than ever. However, there was a distinct shift from our narcotic seeking ancestors. Now, the youth are acclimated early on to the addiction to stimulants.

Who doesn't drink Caffeine? OK, besides Mormons (Sign of the cross). But seriously, it makes us better people. At least to ME it does. In terms of efficiency, I become a subpopulation of pre-WWII Germany. In terms of creativity, I'm fucking Regina Spektor, well I'm not fucking her, but you know what I mean. And in terms of Athleticism, I'm... a better athlete. And SINGING, dear god, I feel every cycle of vibrato like it was a high school graduation.

Point is, I've felt this way for virtually all of adulthood. As far as psychoactive drugs and stimulants in general go, it couldn't be more ubiquitous or ambivalent. We're talking about a drug for the labor force, for artists, for hobos and CEOs alike. The solution to hangovers, all nighters, and writers block. Plus, without caffeine, no one would have an excuse to wear a beret anymore, the future for them is looking increasingly dismal.

Surprisingly, Caffeine is still attacked by many, verbally anyway. OK, many, BESIDES Mormons. I've heard it called a tool of capitalism to dominate and motivate is workhorses. Perhaps a sort of Trojan Horse getting us addicted to our own productivity. But... Come on.

I think that this is partly true. But the only reason why a stimulant would be able to be used in this manipulative way, is that WE LIKE IT. Its carries a social function and makes us happy. Where's the harm in that? Yeah we work harder, faster, stronger, better.... SO WHAT? It benefits US just as much as THE MAN.

I don't think anyone should feel guilty about drinking Caffeine. OK BESIDES MORMONS! But at least not from an outside source, only feel guilty if it interferes with your own personal plans. Like you know... if you plan to suck compared to the rest of us.

(This blog was written under the influence of concentrated caffeine injected intravenously.)

Jobs and Chimps

I was originally planning on STRICTLY using this post as a means of including you all in a pontification on human to chimpanzee beastiality, BUT something came to my attention in the most recent dehydrated, run-around, thirty minute trek through profile-ville: Blogging is arduous as shit. There may be some debate to be had on this subject, but before you literately interject and berate me, hear me out. I go to college. I ride a bike sometimes. I can read. So why does it take 15 minutes for me to realize that I actually forgot how to post a new blog. Even the other moderator has known this since he joined the ever-growing team here at "laserstroke!" (in no way affiliated with the billiards game that has been brought to my attention of late). There should be touch screens on everything, with a simple button directing you to each possible action on the blog. The mouse? hard enough as it is, but throw in an interface outlined in blue (which I chose), a series of deliberately ambiguous wordings such as "settings" or "Monetize" and you got a mental filibuster on your hands.

And then there's the blog topics! Right? its like who the fuck do you call when you need something good to blog on? How about the dude typing next to you?! That's what I said too! (Lasers fly by!). I did just that and it would appear that THIS MAN THINKS THAT NO HUMAN MALE IN HISTORY HAS EVER INSEMINATED A FEMALE CHIMPANZEE. Or any physical sexual relations occurring in any combination, not excluding "the butterfly cake". I need to know how YOU feel about this.

Do you, or do you not, think that it is probable that some human has decided to take sexual liberties, at ANY TIME IN HISTORY, with a chimpanzee? The closest related species to humans, besides humans. Assuming you're not a creationist (lasers fly!), then the shear volume of centuries that man and chimpanzee have co-existed on this planet must weigh heavily upon your shoulders. 2.8mya? I'll have to check on that maybe it was 2.3mya? Anyway, who knows how many weeks that is!? Imagine... even if man only thought of this act ONCE a week, it would mean hundreds of chances for him to manifest his unspeakable chimp-oriented desires. Its not a question of whether or not you condone or partake in such animosities (get it?). Its a matter of statistics, critical thought, and a general lack of faith in mankind. Do you have these things? If not, then what did you eat growing up? Please, enlighten me (lasers!).

You know its at least... possible. Now, take the next step.

Blog

Always on the edge of new technology, laserstroke has taken on the newest one: Blogging. laserstroke foresees a huge opportunity here as the world of blogging will expand. Don't worry though, when blogging will become widely known to the general public, laserstroke will cease to use it immediately. The ever-evolving world of technology just cannot keep up with laserstroke as laserstroke moves on to more innovative things, for example the soon to come out lcd monitors that will be directly attached to your toenail, thus allowing you to keep your depressed stance but also providing you with entertainment at the same time. This will revolutionize people's lives, as it will finally allow people to isolate them completely from their surroundings, and other people! No more "Good morning/afternoon/evening" greetings from selfish bypassers who only greet you for their own needs of their own wellness, or their hidden agenda, rape. This new item will drop rape rates by 70%, guaranteed. All hail laserstroke for its life-changing gadgets!

Fans!!!

It has been scientifically documented that "fans" are what generate a "good" blog. Laserstroke, was and has always been an innovator in this respect. We don't need "fans" to operate. We're like Batman, but more violent and obtrusive. Like if Batman were addicted to drugs and lived across the street from you. You would always come home looking over your shoulders, nervous that he would throw one of those BALL-ROPE-COMBOs at you, leaving you incapacitated. Then he would proceed to ask you where you keep your dog's seizure medication. Would he be wrong? Fuck THAT, he's not wrong he just has no fans.